A Game with Gods
by GeoFount
Summary: [SoutaKouga] When we run towards the past, we lose the future.
1. The Setup

When Souta was younger, he used to think that one could easily change the world. It was only a matter of trying and wishing and desiring. He thought that changing the world was as easy as slipping down an old well. 

It was only until Inuyasha came back with Kagome's backpack slung over his shoulder rather than hers that Souta questioned himself. For a while, Souta tried to fix things, because he still believed he could change them. He borrowed grandpa's shovel and tried to dig a tunnel to the then from the now. When his mother took it away from him, he used a plastic one, until that one broke and his mother refused to buy him a new one.

"She's gone," said mama, ever patiently, smoothing the wrinkles under her tired eyes. "Please learn to accept it."

At the time, Souta thought that his mother was being cruel. But then he learned that he was the one being cruel to her by trying to keep hope alive.

Souta stops trying to conquer the well. Souta stops trying to change the world.

When Kagome died, all of Souta's beliefs died with her.

* * *

Souta lives in the shrine by himself. He spends his days cleaning it; sweeping here, sweeping there, polishing this, polishing that, washing the altar, and scrubbing floorboards.

Occasionally some foreigners will stop by and Souta will give them a tour. Once in a while they'll buy something from the gift shop, which puts a little extra money in Souta's pocket. It's a hardy living as a shrine owner, lots to do with little pay.

He has no reason to leave. He had grown up there and now that he's the only one capable of taking care of it. He was spoon fed the job. Its been his responsibility for years now.

The only change is there is a big lock around the doors leading to the well.

* * *

Another day, another sweeping, and another customer appears. Tall and muscular, dressed in khakis and a white button T-shirt. He wears sunglasses and his long dark hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail. His skin is a darker shade, almost earthy.

Souta lays aside his broom and approaches the man. "Hello, welcome to the shrine," he says in a monotone, having done this routine more times than he can count. "Would you like a tour?"

The man turns to him, almost surprised at being addressed. He grins and Souta likens him to a predator. "Why not?" says the man. "I haven't been here in so long I might as well refresh my memory."

Souta pays the strange comment no mind. With little exuberance he does the tour, pointing out the key points of the shrine. The tour takes longer than usual. The man stops and stares at certain things, as though gazing through them and past them, picking through them to elicit something else that isn't visible to Souta. After a moment of silent staring, he will shake himself and resume following Souta.

At the end of the tour, Souta finishes. "Well, that's the tour. I hope you've enjoyed yourself. There's a gift shop right around the corner and the exit is right beyond that."

The stranger doesn't say anything. He glances around himself.

Souta waits impatiently, studying his shoes and pondering what he should use to take the dirt off them.

"Hmmm," hums the man. "Is there no well?"

Souta blinks in surprise. No one had asked about _that _in years. "How do you know about that?"

"Kagome," says the man, "mentioned it quite a few times."

"Oh," says Souta, comprehension dawning on him. "You're a friend of Kagome's?"

The man shrugs. "I guess you could say that."

"You're the first to come around in a long time," Souta replies, dully. "They all stopped coming by a couple years ago. What did you say your name was?"

"I didn't say." He lowers his glasses. His eyes are sky blue, brilliant and captivating. "You can call me Kouga though."

* * *

Souta lets him come into the house, gives him tea and cookies, offers him a seat. He's obliged to. Being Kagome's friend, Souta has to go the extra mile.

"You'll be sorry to know," says Souta, "that Kagome died a couple years ago."

He can say it callously now. It's a cold hard fact. He can't change it so doesn't bend the truth with flowery words.

"I know," says Kouga, just as unflowery. There is no following words of remorse or comfort like Souta expected.

"Kagome never did mention a Kouga," he muses.

Kouga nibbles on a cookie, avoiding the chocolate chips. "We weren't entirely too close."

Souta grunts, wondering why Kouga would bother coming all the way here for someone he wasn't close to.

"You're a relation of Kagome's?" Kouga asks out of no where.

Souta nods. He turns to the sink to clean out the dirty teapot. "I'm her brother."

"Younger I'm assuming."

"Yes."

Kouga stretches out, makes himself comfortable. "So you're the only one here then?"

"Yes."

"Pity. I thought there were more of you."

Souta doesn't know why that would be considered a pity. "My grandfather passed away about two years ago. My mother got remarried. She's living in America now."

"Remarried huh?"

"Yes. He was the last one that asked about the well in fact. Came by here for a tour and that's how he met my mother."

"What was his name?"

"He has a really weird name," Souta admits. "His name's Shippo."

Kouga threw back his head and started to laugh. Big bellows as though he had just heard the funniest joke.

"What's so funny?" demands Souta.

"Nothing, nothing, nothing at all." Kouga rises, still chuckling, and digs into his pocket. He pulls out a small rectangular piece of paper and hands it to Souta. "Here. That's my card. Give me a call sometime. We'll catch a beer or something."

Souta wants to say no thank you but he's been raised polite. "Alright."

Kouga takes a step towards the door then stops and turns back around. "By the way," he says, "are there any other of Kagome's friends around here? Close friends."

Souta is distracted by the card. "One," he says. "Hojo about ten miles from here. He may have moved though. I wouldn't know since he hasn't been here in a while. Like I said before none of Kagome's friends have, until you that is."

Kouga grins, amused and looking like a predator again. "Gave up did they?"

Souta frowns. "I wouldn't say that exactly. I think they just moved on with their lives."

* * *

Souta has no intention of calling Kouga. The only thing they would have to talk about is Kagome and Souta doesn't want to talk about her.

Souta puts Kouga's card inside a drawer and forgets about it.

* * *

"You could try to be a little more sensitive, you know."

Souta stops eating his toast and, in the process of turning, drops it into his coffee. "What?" he says, far too busy trying to excavate his toast to really pay attention.

Hitomi sighs and daintily removes the toast with one pristine nailed finger. "We've been together for ten years now." She pauses for a moment to scowl as Souta eats the coffee soaked toast. "All my girlfriends are getting married and they were only dating their husbands for a year or so. Don't you think its time that we got married?"

They have had this conversation before. Hitomi has been pushing for marriage ever since they were fifteen.

Souta doesn't see the point in getting married. What difference did a ring make? Did it really change a relationship that much? He didn't think so.

"Souta," Hitomi whines.

"What?"

She huffs, getting angry. "You weren't even listening to me." She stands and grabs her purse. "Honestly Souta what do you expect from me? I haven't dated anybody else but you and I've been more than patient. We've been together since we were kids. I can't waste anymore of my life on you."

"Sorry," says Souta, meaning it.

Hitomi leaves. Souta doesn't go after her. He just sits and finishes eating his toast.

* * *

Hitomi doesn't call him for a couple days after that. When she finally does, it is only to tell him it was over.

Souta doesn't protest or beg for her to reconsider. Honestly he had stopped paying attention to Hitomi about five years ago. Why she stuck around he couldn't say, other than she was very stubborn.

It takes a week to set in and Souta is raking the leaves when he realizes he misses her. He keeps glancing at the entrance, expecting her to walk up, dressed splendidly and demanding he take her somewhere. She would whine to him about her job and tell him about all the clients she had seen and the bad things they wore.

Feeling a little queasy, Souta goes inside. He watches TV and eats more toast and feels even more depressed. It is really pathetic.

He isn't sure why he pulls open the drawer and takes out the number, other than he was very lonely. He stands there calmly and dials the number, wondering all the while why the hell he was doing this.

* * *

They meet at the bar five miles from Souta's house. Kouga drives his car, Souta walks. Souta ends up waiting for Kouga regardless, who is late.

"Hey buddy!" Kouga greets Souta with a wolfish grin and a pat on the back. He acts and talks like they are old friends. It is night but he is still wearing sunglasses.

Souta feels awkward. He strains a smile. "Hello."

They move inside the bar, where Kouga shoulders his way into two seats. The bar's lighting is dim but Kouga doesn't take off his sunglasses. He rolls up his sleeves, orders two beers, and wiggles his eyebrows at the barmaid.

It's loud in there. Men are shouting and cat calling and jostling each other. Souta stares listlessly into the liquid inside his glass.

"I don't usually do this," he mutters to no one but himself.

Kouga hears and turns his attention to him. "Don't usually do what?"

"Call people I barely know and go to bars with them."

Kouga laughs and splashes some of his beer onto the counter top. "Why'd you do it this time then?" There is a mischievous smirk on his face.

Souta looks at his beer again. "My girlfriend left me."

"Ohhhh," crows Kouga. "Left you for another man, huh? Or was she was just using you the entire time and was really in love with someone else, eh? I know how that feels."

Souta shakes his head. "Nothing like that. She just left. Ran out of patience I guess. She wanted to get married. We've been together since we were kids. She was my first girlfriend."

"Mmmm," Kouga hums, drinking his beer.

"She was really going somewhere," Souta continues, spilling his guts. "A clothes designer. She was excellent at it, was already receiving recognition from movie stars and hadn't even finished college yet. I don't know why she stayed with me so long. It was such a glamorous job. She meets these beautiful people everyday."

Souta then wondered which pretty face she would fall for first and he didn't feel so good. He stopped talking.

Kouga is nodding sympathetically with a cigarette in his mouth. He offers one to Souta. "Cigarette?"

"I don't smoke."

Kouga smiles cunningly. "You will."

Souta glowers. "All cigarettes do is kill you."

"That they do," Kouga blows smoke into the air. "I had a therapist a couple years ago who liked to tell me that smoking was my own little way of committing suicide. My own little way of knocking myself off. Of course she said it in a lot more technical terms." He looks thoughtful for a moment. "I wonder if she said that to all her clients who smoked."

"Did you agree with her?" asks Souta.

Kouga shrugs. "Never really thought about it. I always thought of it as more of a stress reliever. Took it up a long time ago when somethin' didn't work out for me. You know how the story goes."

"What did your therapist say to that?"

Kouga shrugs again and grins. "We never got around to talking about that. I had an affair with her. Or she with me. She was the one who was married. Cute little thing she was. Didn't work out too well though. She kept trying to evaluate me. Even in bed! Tried to tell me that I was running away from something. Load of garbage that was."

"Are you running away from something?"

Kouga takes another long drag on his cigarette before answering. "More like running toward it."

* * *

They stay long until the night. When they finally depart, Kouga says, "Next time tomorrow night, eh?"

Souta thinks about all the cleaning he doesn't have to do but will do anyway. "Maybe."

"Well just give me a little ring-ring then. I'll be around."

Souta would have seen him wink, if Kouga hadn't still had his sunglasses on. He hops into his car and drives off with a smart wave. He had failed to offer Souta a ride home.

* * *

For the next three nights they meet. At the same bar, at the same time. Kouga is always late. Souta begins to learn to go by Kouga time and leaves the shrine later.

Souta isn't sure why he goes out with Kouga, except the number is sitting there on the counter looking him boldly in the face, as though inviting him in. And maybe Souta was a little lonely.

* * *

The next morning, Souta for once gets a call.

"Wanna get a cup of coffee?" Kouga asks on the other line.

Souta blinks. He is silent for a long moment as Kouga breaths on the other end. "Alright," he says.

* * *

Souta takes a bus to the coffee shop. Kouga is already there, arguing with some man over a doughnut. It is the first time Kouga has been anywhere before Souta.

"I don't like chocolate sprinkles," Kouga says conversationally to Souta when he walks up to him. "Gives me a terrible stomachache. Not that anyone cares!" He shouted the last bit to the man across the counter, who gave him a rude gesture back.

Kouga snorts at the man and takes a seat near the window, where he can blow smoke discreetly without anyone noticing. Souta sits across from him, feeling stunned.

"Don't you work?" he asks flabbergasted, and it sounds more like a demand.

"Course I work," Kouga replies airily. "Who doesn't work? Even kids work these days, they just don't know it yet. Give it colorful names like responsibility and anyone falls for it. Kids especially."

"How are you off now then if you work?"

Kouga leans back, spreading out and making himself comfortable. "I make my own hours. People like me get to live comfortably. We like it that way."

"People like you, huh?"

Kouga nods.

"And who exactly are people like you?"

Kouga grins. "Wouldn't you like to know." He starts talking again before Souta can ask another question. "I've had lots of jobs. Uncountable amount of jobs. Right now I'm working at a meat plant. Every steak that it produces, I help to determine what grade it is, what it's suitable for. That sort of stuff."

"How'd you get into that?"

Kouga laughs. "Let's just say I'm good with the meats."

* * *

They didn't talk about Kagome at all. After all their trips to the bar and the coffee shop, Kouga hadn't brought her up once. He had brought up other women's names, lovers from his past, but never Kagome. Souta figured that was because Kagome hadn't been his lover.

Regardless of the reason, it was nice being able to talk about something else, anything else. When all of Kagome's other friends had come by years before, they had all wanted to talk about her. They questioned Souta a million things about what happened and how it happened and oh poor Kagome if only we could save her. If only we had done this or this or this, she would have been saved.

Kouga was the only one who didn't want to know. He was the only one who didn't try bending himself out of shape thinking of things he _could have _done to save her. He was the only one out of Kagome's friends who seemed to have stopped trying to change the world.

Being with Kouga was refreshing. It was a change of scenery from the old shrine and all the half-shattered things there. Kouga didn't spend time thinking about what if's or consequences. He did what he liked and didn't listen to anyone else. Souta couldn't help but find that a little enticing.

* * *

"Why do you keep the well locked?"

Another night at the bar and the question catches Souta off guard. He had just been telling Kouga about how lucky he was having not been spoon fed a job and a life, and being able to decide everything himself without disappointing anyone. Souta stops glaring moodily at the burning cigarette to turn to Kouga.

"What?"

"The well," Kouga repeats. "Why do you keep it locked?"

"How do you know about that?"

"I saw it while I was walking out that time I went to the shrine."

"Oh..." Souta blinks, thinking about the layout of the shrine. "You went looking for it, didn't you?"

Kouga's sunglasses reflect the lamplight as he tilts his head. "Heh, you caught me. I was curious about it. Heard so much about it and never really got to see it before. You didn't appear to want to have anything to do with it so I didn't ask you. You don't even include it on your tour!"

Souta didn't reply. He was glaring at the cigarette again.

"So," says Kouga. "Why do you keep it locked?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Kouga shrugs. "I'm just curious. You trying to keep something out of there?"

Souta recalls their conversation the first time they went to the bar, where he had asked if Kouga was running away from something. He takes Kouga's answer and turns it into his own.

"More like trying to keep something in."

* * *

Outside the bar, Kouga grinds out his cigarette and asks, "Would you like a ride home?"

Souta is stunned. Kouga has never offered to give him a ride anywhere before. "I guess," he says slowly.

Kouga jingles the keys, grinning, and hops into the car. Souta walks to the other side and actually uses the door to slide in.

"You don't drive like a maniac do you?" he asks.

"Who do you think I am?" Kouga replies, sounding affronted. He jams the key into the ignition and revs the engine. "Of course I do."

The ride was exhilarating to put it lightly. Souta is amazed he survived it. "You are the worse driver _ever_," he informs Kouga when they screech to a jerking halt in front of the shrine. "You were speeding that entire time!"

"Sorry," says Kouga, not sounding sorry at all. "I like to go fast. When I was younger I used to be able to go really fast. Now I gotta rely on the ol' car to get me up to that speed again."

"Right." Then it occurs to him. "How old are you anyway?"

Kouga lights a cigarette. "How old do you think I am?"

Souta takes a wild stab at it. "25?"

"That's how old I am then."

Souta glares at him. "You're a horrible liar."

"And you're a horrible guesser."

Souta stomps out of the car, slamming the door behind him with a little more force than was necessary. He stomps to the front door, taking his anger out on the rocks under his feet.

"Hey Souta," Kouga calls and Souta turns around to look at him.

Kouga takes his sunglasses off and Souta can tell that what he is about to say is serious. "Do you ever miss Kagome?"

Any other person would have stuttered on the question, thinking it may be rude or too personal, but Kouga says it without restraint. He is always like that.

Souta stares at him and though it is dark, he can still see the brilliant blue of Kouga's eyes. "No."

Kouga appears taken aback. He stares at Souta in the darkness and it is the first time Souta has seen him so unsure and hesitant.

"Why?" Souta asks when Kouga says nothing. "Do you miss her?"

Kouga licks his lips. He turns back to the front of his vehicle, where the slope of the hill reveals the city below. "No," he says and revs the engine. He drives away, speeding across the pavement.

Souta watches him go and wonders why he feels cheated.

* * *

Souta struggles not to call Kouga the next day. He feels restless and worried, as though he _needs _to talk to Kouga about something important, as though they have had an argument and he needs to smooth things over, even though they hadn't had a row. It is very silly and stupid. Kouga isn't Hitomi.

Souta digs into his work with an unusual vigor, trying to keep himself busy and his mind off the telephone.

It is only until late at night that he allows himself to call. He doesn't bother to look at the card. He has already memorized the number.

Kouga picks up on the fifth ring, which was odd. He had always picked up on the second before. "Hello?" he says.

"Kouga," says Souta. The name had always felt funny on his tongue. "Are we going to the bar tonight?"

"No can do," says Kouga. "I have some important business I have to attend to. Maybe in a couple days."

"Oh..." Souta glances around his pristine kitchen, wondering what to say. Kouga has never turned down an opportunity to see him. "Guess I'll see you later then."

Kouga grunts noncommittally. He hangs up without another word.

* * *

Souta doesn't call for the next two days. After that, he began to get really worried. In the evenings he made sure to sit near the phone just in case it rang, and he often paused during his work to check he hadn't missed any calls.

On the third day, he calls Kouga. There is no answer and there is no voicemail. Souta hangs up.

For the fourth and fifth day he continues to call, sometimes up to three times. Still there is no answer.

On the sixth day and seventh day, he calls five times. Nothing.

Souta feels guilty. He tries to tell himself he has nothing to feel guilty about it but he feels it anyway. It's a sick, sick feeling that he'd rather not have.

When he flips the month on the calendar over, he sees the day with the red circle around it and feels even sicker. He spends a lot of time sitting at the kitchen table just staring at the red mark after that.

By the eighth and ninth day, Souta gives up on Kouga.

* * *

On the eleventh day, Souta gets a call. He is mopping the floor so he is lucky enough to hear the phone when it rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey." It is Kouga.

Souta nearly drops the phone and mop. "Kouga."

"Sorry I haven't called you," says Kouga. He sounds tired and worn out, nearly depressed. "I've been busy."

"It's alright," says Souta. It isn't but Souta is just glad to hear from him. "Busy with what?"

"Just some personal stuff that won't work out for me. Don't worry about it. Do you want to go to the bar tonight?"

Souta glances at the calendar. The red mark gleams at him. "Today is alright."

"Alright. Meet me there at nine."

That was 10:30 Kouga time. Souta remembers that much at least.

* * *

Kouga is standing waiting by his car when Souta arrives. Souta had purposely left later than Kouga time. It was only justified that he make Kouga wait fifteen minutes for him after he had waited over a week for Kouga's call.

Kouga looks up at him. His sunglasses are missing and Souta can see his blue eyes. In the lamplight he looks gaunt. And defeated.

"What happened to your sunglasses?" Souta asks.

"They broke." Kouga sighs. "Pity. I liked those glasses too. Was my favorite pair."

"I'll buy you a new pair," Souta offers.

"No, no. Don't worry about it. Let's go in."

They move into the bar. It is less crowded today and they find seats easily.

Once they have received their beers and Kouga has lit up his cigarette, Souta can't help but ask him, "Where did you go?"

Kouga puffs on his cigarette. He gazes at the glass bottles lining the shelf across from them. "I was trying something different."

"Like what?"

Kouga shakes his head. He doesn't answer Souta's question. Instead he says, "Ever notice that when you want something, _really _want something, it never works out for you? No matter how hard you try or how many years you spend on it, it never changes. That no matter how much you beg or plead or pray, or how many tears and blood you shed, it doesn't change."

Souta thinks of Hitomi, who tried to get him to marry her for years on end. And he thinks about himself years ago, trying to dig through the old well.

Kouga turns to look at him and Souta discovers he preferred Kouga wearing sunglasses. Those eyes were just too penetrating. They made him feel tingly.

"You can't change the world, huh?" says Kouga, rhetorically.

Souta swallows to loosen high tight throat. He thinks about the red mark on the calendar. "Yeah..."

When they leave the bar, Kouga is in better spirits. He's still a little subdued and melancholy, but better. He offers Souta a ride, which Souta refuses. He'd rather walk than risk his life.

Before Kouga jumps into his car, Souta tells him, "It's my anniversary tomorrow."

Kouga pauses to look at him. "I thought you said you weren't married."

"I'm not."

"How can you have an anniversary if you're not married?"

"It's a different kind of anniversary."

"What kind of anniversary then?"

Souta gives him a little smile. It tugs painfully at his heart. "The day Kagome died."

Souta thinks there is a fine line between winning and losing. A lot of the times it's hard to tell them apart.

People would say to Souta that Kagome had lost because she was dead and he had won because he could still breathe and she couldn't. But to Souta it was a loss, because he lost everything but that.

If anything, it was a hollow victory.

The next night and Souta attempts to dial Kouga's number. He knows he has it memorized but has a hard time remembering it. Looking at the card doesn't help much. The numbers move too much for him to read them clearly. That and he keeps pressing the wrong buttons on the phone. After five wrong numbers, Souta finally manages to dial the right one.

An hour later and he approaches Kouga at the bar. There is a bottle of whiskey in his hand and he greets Kouga with a hearty wave that almost knocks him off his feet and the bottle out of his hand.

"Hello, Kouga!" He drawls out the words like its part of a song. He stops to peer hazily at the bottle of whiskey, a confused expression on his face. "What happen to all my whiskey?"

Kouga raises an inquisitive eyebrow at him. "I thought you sounded tipsy. Been drinking already have you?"

"All day," says Souta in a voice like a little boy. He leans heavily against Kouga's car.

"You've been drinking all day?"

"Gerro me!" cries Souta and throws himself away from Kouga's car as though Kouga had reached out to grab his hand. "It's my anniversary today!"

"Right." Kouga shakes himself. "Let's go in then, shall we?"

Souta follows him and trips over several stools before falling ungracefully into one at the bar. He orders hard liquor and lots of it. He downs it fast, as if he needs it to live, and orders more before he has finished it all. Kouga watches him carefully.

"Perhaps you should slow down," he suggests.

Souta scowls. "It's my anniversary," he repeats, as though that justifies everything. He takes another shot and slams the glass down. "Stupid Inuyasha. Stupid Kagome," he begins to seethe. "Always worried about themselves and nobody else! They were _so _selfish but everybody just _loved _Kagome! Beautiful, sweet, innocent Kagome. Everyone wants to save her but nobody gives a damn about those left behind. Oh Kagome was the victim, they say! Kagome was too _wonderful _to die! Kagome should have been saved! But what about those that are still left, huh?!"

He leers at Kouga, who stares at him. Souta waits a moment but Kouga doesn't react. It calms him a little and Souta glares down at the counter, his hands wrapped around his glass.

"No one cares for those that get left behind," he grumbles. "Nobody ever considers them victims so who the hell cares what happens to them? They got to live and she didn't and so who gives a damn about them?" He takes the shot and slumps in his chair.

"They never bother to think that maybe those that got left behind have it worse." He is quieter now, the anger having drained out of him. "That maybe the one's who died were the lucky ones and that those who got left behind got the sharp end of the stick out of the deal. When you're dead how can you miss someone after all? When you're dead, everyone else has to miss _you_."

He falls silent and proceeds to take a few more shots in quick succession. Kouga is still staring at him, the cigarette burning forgotten between his fingers.

"Are you saying," he asks slowly, "that you miss Kagome?"

Souta hiccups. He lays his head on the counter. "It was my fault."

Kouga can barely hear him. "What?"

"It was my fault," Souta repeats. He raises his head and his eyes are red. "It was my fault she died. If I had gone after the cat myself, she would never have gotten dragged down that well. She would never have gone through that stupid thing or met Inuyasha or fallen in love."

Souta thought he saw Kouga winch but he didn't care. He was too carried up in his emotions.

"She would never have died. _I _killed Kagome. It was _my _fault. Because I was too damn afraid to go down into that stupid shed I made Kagome do it and look what happened to her! Boom! There goes Kagome! Down the well again! Off to die with the beasties and it's all Souta's fault and isn't it so damn sad! Fuck I killed the most beautiful person on the planet!"

Souta's voice had risen till he was shouting. Around the bar, people had stopped to stare. Hastily Kouga tries to quiet Souta.

"Perhaps we should go home." He reaches for Souta's wrist but Souta jerks away, almost toppling off the chair while doing so. "You're too drunk," Kouga tells him firmly. "We need to go."

"_I _killed her!" Souta shouts, delirious and very, very drunk. "Me!" He starts to laugh and cry, insanely, stupidly.

And that's when his world went black.

It really is hard to tell when you win or lose, Souta would have said if he had been sober. Sometimes we do both, or neither, or we think we did one when we actually did the other, or maybe there is no win or lose and it's just constant decisions that lead to no where.

_Or maybe we're just destined to be like this._


	2. The Game

When he wakes up there is sunlight and his bed, and Kouga in his bed staring at him. Souta recoils.

"Wha..."

"Good. You're not dead." Kouga gets off the bed and stares down at Souta. He looks pissed off.

"_What_ are you doing here?" Souta asks, groggy and flailing through the mud of his brain.

"Making sure you didn't die. You went overboard last night," Kouga comments, anger flickering under every word. "That was a stupid move."

"You drink more than I did all the time,"

"Yes but I'm different."

Souta rolls his eyes. He rubs a hand across his brow, trying to relieve the headache he feels forming there. His mouth feels like it's full of cotton. "What happened last night?"

"You don't remember anything?"

"I remember calling you and meeting you at the bar. Vaguely…"

Kouga is silent for a moment, just looking at him. "You started talking about Kagome," he says. "You told me how you blamed yourself for her death and how guilty you felt for it. You told me it was your fault."

Souta becomes very still. "Oh...That."

"I took you back here after you started sobbing all over everything," Kouga continues. "Sorry I had to frisk you to get the keys. You didn't seem too objective though."

Souta turns bright red and at the same time his stomach lurches. He leans over the side of the bed and empties the contents of his stomach all over the floor. "Dammit," he wheezes. "Now I'm going to have to clean that up."

Kouga shakes his head. "I'll get you a bucket." He turns towards the door but Souta stops him.

"Kouga?"

Kouga looks at him.

Souta wipes a hand across his mouth. "When you asked me that one time if I missed Kagome," he says. "I said no, but that was a lie. What I really meant to say was, everyday."

"Ah...Right." Kouga looks thoughtful for a moment then he grins in a self-mocking sort of way. "I was lying too."

* * *

Much later, after Souta has spent a good few hours hugging the toilet, he stumbles into the kitchen and falls into the chair. A cigarette is burning on the windowsill.

"How are you feeling?" Kouga asks.

"Little better. Only had to throw up a dozen times."

Kouga makes an amused noise. He sets a glass of water down in front of Souta. "Drink it," he orders. "You're too dehydrated."

Souta sips from it, making a face the entire time. His stomach has seemed to have settled though and he holds it in. "What time is it?"

"Three."

"Jeez." Souta's head thunks onto the table. "I haven't cleaned anything today."

Kouga slides into the chair across from Souta, who doesn't bother looking up, finding that staring at the wood of the table much more relaxing. "Souta," Kouga says carefully. "Did you mean what you said? About Kagome last night."

Souta looks up at him. "Why?"

"Well, you did admit that you missed her. I'm just curious."

Souta grunts and looks back at the table. "I was the one who made her go after the cat. If I had been braver and gone after him myself, she would never have gotten pulled down that well."

"So in other words yes."

Souta doesn't answer that. Instead, he stares at the lines in the wood. "I couldn't save her," he murmurs.

Slowly, Kouga leans across the table, closer to him. "And what if I told you," he says, barely over a whisper as if he is telling Souta a great secret, "that you could?"

"I'd tell you that you had drunk too much last night too."

"I'm serious, Souta." Kouga's nails dig into the table. "What if I told you, you could save her? Stop her from going down that well."

"I'd tell you you were mad."

"I'm serious!" Kouga glares at him, levering himself up. "I can prove it to you. If you will listen."

Souta sighs and leans back in his chair. "Alright," he says, figuring he'll humor him. "Go ahead. Tell me how I can save her."

"What if I were to tell you," says Kouga, "that I'm not a friend of Kagome's like you think I am? That I didn't go to school with her."

"How do you know her then?"

Kouga is silent for a moment, glaring out the window. "I fought with her," he says after a moment, struggling to string the right words together. "Through the old well."

For a long minute, Souta stares at him. Then he blinks. "You came through the well?"

"Not exactly." He chews on his lip. "I didn't come through the well but I know Kagome from the other side of the well. Does that make any sense?"

"Not really."

Kouga sighs and rubs his forehead, squeezing his eyes shut. "Did Kagome ever tell you what a youkai is?"

"Of course I know what a youkai is. My grandfather used to talk about them all the time. And Kagome mentioned them a few times. Why?"

"Because years ago," says Kouga, leaning fiercely against the table closer to Souta, "your sister fell through an old well and landed up five hundred years in the past when youkai ran wild. And that's how I met her. Five hundred years ago when she was wandering around in some village I ran into her. I know her through the well. I know her because I met her in the past where she had fallen through to."

"That's not very funny," Souta says, rubbing his own forehead. "You don't look a day over 24."

"Of course I don't!" Kouga snaps testily. "I'm a youkai! I'm blessed with longevity! Or cursed, whichever way you look at it."

Souta laughs at him, which makes Kouga scowl. "That's funny!" he says. "You actually had me going for a second there. I half believed you but youkai don't exist anymore. Even a moron knows that. They were wiped out long ago. The only reason I believe they existed in the first place is because of Kagome. Good joke though."

"Humans only _think _we died out," says Kouga, his hand curling into a fist on the table top. "There are fewer of us than five hundred years ago but we're still around."

"Okay, Mr. Youkai," Souta says with a laugh. "How do you keep hidden then? If you live longer than normal humans, how do you stay around without getting discovered? People would notice that you're not aging. People would notice that you outliving every other worker and neighbor around."

"We hide. We adopt identities, live them out, pretend to die or simply rip out roots and go elsewhere. There are some of us in high positions in government just for that purpose. Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha's brother, for one, helps maintain it. Why do you think I said my kind of people get to live comfortably? If we're going to live forever we might as well make sure we live comfortably! Why do you think I can go to work late or skip work or leave work without getting fired? It's because I'm _protected _by other youkai that maintain the structure by which we live by now!"

Kouga stops to take a breath. Souta is staring at him.

"And another thing," Kouga continues. "Why do you think my cigarettes don't effect me? Why do you think I can drink so much without getting drunk or even tipsy? I drink more than three men combined and don't even get woozy. My blood wipes out the toxins before they effect my system."

Kouga stops and looks at Souta. Souta stares back at him. Kouga waits but no response comes. He gets impatient.

"Well?"

Souta shakes his head. "I think," he says, "that we should start over."

* * *

An hour later and Souta is still in the kitchen, drinking green tea and watching the sun through the window. In front of him, Kouga is pacing and smoking a cigarette and talking.

"I used to be able to run fast," he is saying. "Like the wind. I was the fastest anyone had ever seen. I should have had a nickname like Speedracer or Thunderboy but we didn't think of corny stuff like that back then. I used to live in the wild, before humans built their huge cities and destroyed everything. I was a wolf youkai."

"Was?" questions Souta.

"I'm not entirely sure what I am now." There is a rueful grin on Kouga's face. "I've been pretending to be a human for so long I've half forgotten what I really am. If I really am still that."

"A wolf," Souta murmurs. He thinks of the wolfish grin on Kouga's face that always reminded him of a predator and figures that it only made sense that Kouga be a wolf.

"Would you like further proof?" asks Kouga.

"Do you have any more to give?"

Kouga walks to where Souta sits. He pulls up his sleeve, exposing his arm, and seizes the burning cigarette in his hand. Without flinching, he grinds the burning end into the skin of his arm. Souta watches fascinated as the burn the cigarette makes heals in moments. Kouga pulls his arm away.

"Now tell me," says Kouga, already lighting another cigarette, "what human can do that?"

Souta stares at him for a moment before answering. "Okay," he says. "So you're a youkai. Why didn't you tell me that in the first place? Why bother hiding it for so long?"

"It's not something you go telling everybody." Kouga takes a seat. "You're the third one I've told ever."

"Who were the other two?"

Kouga grins at him. "Nice try. Maybe later. Right now we have something more important to talk about."

It doesn't take long for Souta to catch on. "Kagome."

Kouga nods as he digs into his pocket. "I can help you save her."

"What do you mean save her?"

"Stop her from going through the well. Stop her from ever going into the past. Stop her from ever dying there. That's what I mean."

"Okay...How?"

"With this." Kouga pulls his hand out from his pocket and holds a tiny item in front of Souta's face.

Souta's mouth falls open. "A Shikon shard."

Kouga grins but Souta's gaze is pinned to the shard.

"But that's impossible," Souta cries. "The Shikon no Tama was completed! Kagome died for it."

"The Shikon _was_ completed," Kouga confirms. "But something got overlooked. Do you remember, years ago, you must have been much younger, fighting a mask that had a shard in it?"

"A mask?" Souta's eyes widen. "Are you referring to the Noh Mask?"

"That would be the one. You see, before the mask was carved out of a tree, that tree possessed the Shikon shard. This Shikon shard in fact. Because the Noh Mask was here in the present day with a Shikon shard, there was a tree in the past that had that same Shikon shard in it. Because Kagome had grabbed that fragment from the future and brought it back to the past, the Shikon shard that was in tree was not needed to complete the Shikon no Tama. Essentially there was an extra Shikon shard created. In short, because Kagome had gotten that fragment from the future, in the past there was an extra one floating around embedded into that tree. And three hundred years ago, I ran into that tree."

"What did you do with it?"

Kouga's face becomes sad. He twirls the Shikon shard between his fingertips, watching the lamplight glitter on its surface. "I tried to change things," he says softly. "I wanted to save her. I thought that if I removed the shard in the past, then it would never be there in the future and she would never find it. But it didn't work. That was my first failure. Since then I've been carrying around this fragment in the hope of getting another chance."

His gaze switches from the shard to Souta. Souta wishes he would find another pair of sunglasses.

"But Souta this is your chance too," says Kouga. "You can save her like you wish you had before. This is your chance to fix things."

"And yours," says Souta. He wonders why he said that. It was almost like an accusation.

"Yes," Kouga replies without hesitation. "I've already tried going down the well myself but it won't let me. You have to do it."

"Why me?" asks Souta. "Why do I have to do it?"

"Because you're the only one left!" Kouga barks. "Don't you want to save her?"

"Yes..." says Souta. The Shikon shard glitters and he feels small and overwhelmed, like when he was younger staring up the long shaft of the well with the useless shovel in his hands and the hole that used to lead somewhere but he isn't special enough to reach it like Kagome could. "But I already tried. I couldn't save anyone. I couldn't change anything. I can't change the world..."

Kouga gives him a funny look but otherwise ignores what he's saying. He reaches across the table and seizes Souta's hands, pressing the Shikon fragment into them. "I want you to fix things," he says, sounding desperate. "I want to help _you_. You can save all of us. Me, you, and Kagome. Imagine not having to be spoon fed a job and a life. Imagine having your sister here to help you and you wouldn't have to get wasted every year because you don't want to remember her. Imagine not having to live with guilt or blame. Imagine being able to fix the past. That's what I'm offering you. You have to do this, Souta. It's what you want to do. This is your chance."

Souta struggles to free his hands. He stumbles to his feet, knocking the chair over. "Why me?" he demands again. "Why do I have to do it? Why not somebody else?"

"There _isn't _anybody else!" Kouga hisses. "Your mother wouldn't do it years ago when Kagome first disappeared and I already tried Hojou recently but he won't do it because he's already found someone else and about to get married! You're the only one left!"

At Kouga's mention of Hojou, Souta freezes. "Hojou?"

As though realizing his error, Kouga's gaze switches to the floor. His hand curls around the Shikon shard.

And Souta finally understands. "You were at Hojou's."

Kouga grimaces. It is all the proof Souta needs.

"You were, weren't you? When you disappeared for that time, you were with Hojou."

Kouga hesitates a few seconds. "Yes," he confesses. "He was the only friend of Kagome's you mentioned around here so I went to see him."

"You were hoping he would save her."

Kouga sighs and slumps in his chair, a hand falling across his eyes. He sounds worn out and tired. "Yes."

"I see." Surprisingly Souta is neither mad nor hurt. He is strangely calm, devoid of emotion. "So the only reason you pretended to be my friend was to have me save Kagome for you, isn't that right? And then after I told you I didn't miss her you took off to find the next victim to do your deed. You were just pretending the whole time."

"It isn't like that."

"Oh so that wasn't your intention at all, you're trying to say?"

"I _came back_, didn't I?" Kouga snarls, eyes flashing. "Even after you told me you didn't miss Kagome, I _came back_. At the beginning that was my intent, I admit that, I was only looking for someone to help me. But things changed. _I _changed, maybe. After a while of spending time with you, I...got to like you. Why else do you think I came back after Hojou refused to do it? Why would I come back if I thought you didn't give a rat's ass about Kagome and you weren't going to help me?"

"To play saviors play thing."

It never occurred to Souta that, being a youkai meant that Kouga could do things he was incapable of. But when Kouga moves, it is faster than he can catch, and the wolf grabs him roughly by the front of the shirt before he has time to register that Kouga had even left his chair.

"Listen to me, half-wit." Kouga shakes him. "Stop trying to turn this into some martyr bullshit. You want to act like a victim? Fine, go ahead. But don't act like I came back to use you-"

"Then what-"

"To make things better!" Kouga shouts into his face. "You think I like living this way? Do _you _like living like this? I came back because I wanted to, Souta, Kagome or no Kagome. I came back to see you because that's what I wanted to do. I _like _being your friend, Souta, I _want _to be your friend. All I'm doing is offering us a way out, a way to make things better. Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?"

Souta looks down and he realizes just how close they are to each other. Kouga's hands, his clawed hands, are tangled in his shirt. Souta can feel the youkai's body heat against his chest. Souta feels himself blushing. It is very stupid and embarrassing. "Oh," he says and coughs. "I see..."

"You understand now?"

"Yes." He squirms a little.

"Good," says Kouga and releases him.

Souta stumbles backwards at the sudden release. His back thumps into the wall. He touches his mouth. Kouga stares at him and Souta quickly drops his hand. Hastily he changes the subject. "Did you say Hojou was getting married?"

"That's right."

"To who?"

Kouga shrugs. "To some girl," he says. "She wasn't around much when I was there. Think her name was Hitomi though."

Souta becomes very still. "Hitomi?"

"Yeah, Hitomi. She's some stupid clothes designer or other. Why? Who cares?"

Souta's stomach flops. He slides down the wall and vomits.

Kouga takes a step forward then quickly retreats.

_Everyone moves on with their lives_, Souta thinks. _Everyone but me and Kouga, the last two who got left behind._

"Hey." Kouga is leaning against the door frame, holding his nose. "You alright?"

Souta looks at him. He stumbles to his feet and towards him. Kouga gives him a half-wary, half-concerned look.

Souta lays his palm out. "Give me the shard."

* * *

It is sunset when they stand inside the well house. The unlocked doors hang open behind them and Souta stands looking down the well.

"You know what to do," says Kouga, off to the side. "Jump down and it should take you through to where you want it to. Do what you can while there and when you're ready jump back through the well again. This may not work but we can try."

"False hope, huh?" says Souta.

"It's better than no hope," answers Kouga.

Souta laughs a little. Then, because he can't help it, he asks, "You were in love with her, weren't you? Kagome, I mean."

"Yes," Kouga replies without hesitation. "More than anything and after all this time I still love her."

"Is that why you want to save her? So that you can love her forever?"

"No," says Kouga and it is not the answer Souta expected. "I want to save her so I don't _have _to love her anymore. If I never meet her, I won't love her. There won't be anymore forever."

Souta smiles and feels sad. With a certain clarity he realizes Kouga's therapist had been right. Kouga was running towards the past, but in doing so he was also running away from the future. They both were.

"I'm going now," Souta announces.

It may be the last time they see each other. Souta has never been good at good-byes. Most of the time he has missed them altogether. He looks at Kouga, compelling him to say something to fill the void.

But Kouga remains silent. After out living everyone, good byes become redundant and superficial. Good-bye is just around the corner to Kouga.

Still, he swallows, painfully. It is a small, insignificant action. To Souta, it means the world.

He leaps down the well.

* * *

He is on the bottom of the well and above him there is sunlight and the long shaft of the well. There are stairs.

Souta licks his lips. Slowly, he reaches for the rung and pulls himself up.

At the lip of the well, he leans over and there is a fat cat in front of him. It crouches, still and silent, it's tail wagging uncertainly. To the fat cat, Souta's scent is familiar but his appearance alien.

"Buyo," says Souta. He feels the strong urge to cry.

The cat's ears prick and it meows, recognizing this owner of his.

Souta pulls himself out of the well. He picks the fat cat up and strokes its ears.

In front of him, the well doors are open. There is no lock on these and the house stands beyond, filled with light and life and love. Inside they are singing, singing Kagome's birthday song.

_Kagome's fifteenth birthday._

It is too surreal and mind boggling for him. Was time really that fragile? Past and present so close all you had to do was slip down a dirty old well to reach it? Time built on top of itself after all. Present becomes past and adds onto the layers upon layers of present faded into past.

Vaguely, Souta wonders if Kagome had ever felt like this throughout her adventures. Or maybe she had been so damn special that stepping into the past felt simply normal to her.

There is a slamming of a door and Souta can hear footsteps. Souta doesn't dare look. He leans against the wall, the cat still purring in his arms.

Souta stands on the edge of the future in the midst of the past. How many things he could change and how many people he could save with just one simple act.

There is Mama, shouldering the responsibility of the shrine onto him before falling into the arms of a man and fleeing to another country to escape her guilt. Grandpa, losing himself in wonderment and withering away to death. Hitomi, wasting so much time on him before getting fed up and jumping onto the first available candidate she stumbled onto.

Kouga, with his stupid grin and his failures and his jumbled understanding of the world. Kouga with his inability to read time and follow the speed limit and his thousand shortcomings when it came to living life and in doing anything _but _live. And the way he always manages to amaze Souta in some unfamiliar way. Souta thinks Kouga hurts him the most. It is the best hurt he has felt in a long time.

And then there is Souta himself, always clinging to his guilt and his failure, and while trying to lock everything from his past in, he had locked his future in as well. He had been standing stagnant for so long, neither going forward nor backward but rather standing as the rest of the world rushed by him. He had been waiting for nothing and in the end that was exactly what he had gotten.

And lastly, Souta thinks about Kagome. Kagome, who had been given a precious gift and a precious chance. Kagome, who had pursued her love so fiercely it had cost her her life in the end. Bright, beautiful Kagome, who used to make him feel like all the world rested in the palms of his hands.

The shard throbs against his skin. Maybe, in some small way, Kagome had been right.

_It's no wonder you love her so much, Kouga. I do too._

A voice sounds beyond the doors. A young boy is calling for his cat.

_I am tired of this. I want to be free. I want us both to be free._

Souta's hands tighten around Buyo.

_I'll set us both free._

With a silent apology to Buyo, Souta tosses the cat through the doors. He lands with a muffled yowl but Souta isn't paying attention. He is already leaping down the well.

Outside the well house, a much younger, much happier Souta finds the flopped down cat sitting in the dirt as if thrown there. "There you are, Buyo."

Souta wanders off with the cat in his arms, and doesn't pay much attention to the shadow that moves inside the well house. A moment later, he and Kagome are racing off to school.


	3. The Aftermath

Souta lands hard in the dirt of the bottom of the well. He groans and curls into a ball, his body throbbing with the fall and his hangover.

He had done it. He had gone back in time and he had stopped Kagome from going down the well. But had it worked?

Souta cracks open his eyes and looks up the dark shaft of the well. Excitement stirs in his gut. Quickly he got to his feet and began to climb the rungs of the ladder upwards.

Kagome would be here, grown up and beautiful and taking care of the shrine. And Mama would be here too, unmarried and faithful to him, wrinkled and old and happy. And Grandpa would be alive, older and more senile than ever, full of weird stories that didn't make any sense and empty threats. They would be standing around in the kitchen making dinner, waiting for him, wondering where he was, worried about him, and they would all be so happy and relieved to see him and then they'd all be together again like they were supposed to be and-

Souta reaches the lip of the well and rises above it. In his merriment he almost falls over it and he laughs. He looks up. The smile dies on his face.

The doors of the well house hang ajar. On the handle, the lock gleams. Beyond them the house stands, empty and silent and dark.

Slowly, Souta pulls himself out of the well and gets to his feet.

Kouga is sitting on the steps leading out of the shrine. He looks at Souta. "Didn't work, did it?" he asks.

Silently, Souta shakes his head.

"Mmm," Kouga grunts. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

Souta walks heavily towards him and sits down beside him. He stares at the darkness around them. "I think," he says after a long moment, "that I would like a cigarette now."

Kouga chuckles. He hands him one and lights it for him. Souta chokes on it.

"Go easy on it," Kouga tells him. "It takes a while to get used to."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Not too long though."

Souta grins at him and chokes some more. For several minutes they sit in silence, watching the moon and listening to the wind rustle the leaves of the Goshinbokou.

"I uhhh...have a theory, you know" Kouga breaks the silence at last, "that the shard creates a world just like this one, but...changed so to say. Where the people are the same but the circumstances are different."

"You mean like a parallel universe?"

"Yeah like that. So maybe somewhere out there there's a Kouga that never met Kagome and doesn't love her…And maybe there's a Souta out there that never lost his sister and still has a family."

Kouga turns to look at him. Souta stares at the Goshinbokou, the smoke from his cigarette curling around his face. He doesn't look back at him.

"But that doesn't really make you feel any better does it?"

"Not really."

"Yeah," Kouga agrees, "me neither."

* * *

They part for the night. Souta is tired and still hung over and wants only to sleep. He goes inside without waiting for Kouga to leave. If he had looked, he would have seen Kouga linger before finally departing.

* * *

Every act supposedly has a consequence. The question is whether that consequence produces a negative or positive impact.

Souta hadn't had to deal with consequences in a long time because he had only been focusing on one and avoiding all the others. Because of this, he had lost control of his life. He hadn't chosen to live it so others had given him one. That was why he had been spoon-fed everything.

This was the first consequence he had faced in years. This time there is no one around to spoon feed him anything.

_The first step of having a life is to live it._

* * *

It is weeks before they see each other again. Souta is drastically late. Kouga is waiting for him, leaning against his car. Souta nearly hits his with his own.

"Sorry," he says, climbing out. "I was on the phone."

Even though it is their first greeting in a long time, Kouga is scowling. It is getting close to winter and Kouga is wearing a brown jacket that fits in all the right places. He still wears sunglasses. A lit cigarette is gripped between his teeth.

"You didn't have to hang up on me, you know," he growls.

Souta blinks in surprise. "You don't like being hung up on?"

"_Who _does?"

"Ah," says Souta. "Good point."

"_Where_ have you been the last few weeks?" Kouga throws his cigarette away and reaches for another one, even though the one he has thrown away is only half done. He doesn't seem to notice. "I keep calling and calling you and you hardly answer-"

"Sorry," Souta apologizes again. "I've been busy."

"I hate your new voicemail too. It's stupid and I'm sick of listening to it. And-" He stops, noticing something. "Did you drive here?"

"I did."

"_Whose_ car is that?"

"Mine."

"You bought a car?"

"I did."

"How'd you afford that?"

"I got a job."

"A job?"

"At the video game store."

"Who's watching the shrine then?"

"I hired somebody," says Souta. "Some old man named Hachi. He's nice, very cooperative. He likes the shrine a lot. Says it reminds him of a good friend of his. Weird, huh?"

Kouga is silent for a long moment, staring at him. "Right," he says. "Okay." He blows air out from between his teeth, seeming to deflate himself. "So what are we doing here anyway?"

Souta ducks down and reaches inside his car. He pulls out two boutiques of flowers. "Something I should have done a long time ago."

"What's that mean?"

"Follow me," he says and offers no further explanation.

Kouga snorts and mutters something that sounds like, "I don't know why I put up with this shit." Despite his grumblings, he follows Souta.

As they walk, Kouga questions him. "Were you really busy all this time with your job?"

"Mostly yes."

"You're not lying?"

"No. Why would I lie about that?"

"I don't know," says Kouga. He takes a long, tense drag on his cigarette. "It's just you never called and only returned my calls about one-third of the time. You always use to call and lately you're always too busy to even give me five minutes of your time-"

"Does it really bother you that much?"

"No!" Kouga barks too quickly.

Souta stops. He turns to look at Kouga directly in the eyes or really looks him directly in the sunglasses.

Kouga's eyebrows lower. "What?" he demands.

Souta stares at him a moment longer. "Oh nothing," he says at last and returns to walking.

"Whatever," Kouga growls and flicks his cigarette onto the grass. He stuffs his hands into his pockets.

"Here we are." Souta stops at the entryway.

Kouga looks up at the sign. "A graveyard," he says blankly. "I hate graveyards."

"Why?"

Kouga simply shakes his head. Since meeting him, Souta can see Kouga has been acting tenser than usual. Usually he is so smug and peppy in his laid back way that Souta believes nothing can bother him.

Souta walks in. Kouga trails him. He glances at the rows they pass.

"I recognize a lot of names here," he remarks softly.

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Is that why graveyards bother you?"

"Partly."

Souta looks at him over his shoulder. Kouga's mouth is set in a firm line. "We're almost there," he says reassuringly.

Finally, they reach the row. Souta walks down it and stops at one stone surrounded by others. He kneels down.

From behind him, Kouga asks, "Who's this?"

"My grandfather."

"Oh," says Kouga simply. "Whatever happened to him anyway?"

"He died from a heart attack," Souta answers. "We all knew it was because of Kagome though. He spent weeks trying all sorts of mumbo jumbo to bring her back. One night we found him curled up at the bottom of the well. After that he stopped trying. He just gave up, both on bringing her back and living himself. He became weaker and weaker. I think he felt useless. Or defeated. When my father died my grandfather promised he'd take care of us. Then Kagome died and he couldn't do anything about it. I suppose he felt he had failed to keep his promise to my dad."

"That's dumb," says Kouga in his unflowery, impolite way. "Why would he give up if you were still around?"

Souta places the boutique on the grass in front of the tombstone. "He lost me that day too," he murmurs. He rubs the tombstone. "Miss you, old man."

Silently Souta is grateful Kouga asks no questions and allows him to ramble. It felt good to lay it all out on the table at last without being questioned. It felt good to finally let himself accept that past was past and that he couldn't do anything about it.

He stands and rubs at his eyes. Kouga is lighting a cigarette. Wordlessly, he holds one out to Souta.

"Thank you."

Kouga lights it for him and Souta has to bend in close so the wind doesn't kill the flame. This time, he does not cough on it. "I never came out here," he comments. "Not even when mother asked me to go. I avoided this place. I thought I would be too scared of what I had lost. It's about time I honored the dead. I didn't get to honor them when they were alive. I was so wrapped up in failing. Like grandfather was."

"Is that all you came here for?"

Souta shakes his head. "There's one more I have to visit."

"Who's?"

Souta takes a puff on his cigarette. "Kagome's," he says.

* * *

Kagome's grave is on the outskirts of the graveyard. Buried under a tree in her own special private spot away from everyone else.

"You have a grave for her?" Kouga asks as they walk up.

"My mother did it," Souta answers. "There was no body to put in it but my mother had this made right before she left for America. After Kagome died in the past, we pretended that she had been kidnapped here. This grave was my mother's way of leaving everything behind. She wasn't going to pretend anymore. At last the world could accept that Kagome was not going to come back. I think so anyway. I don't know what my mother was thinking. Maybe it was just a way for her to say good-bye."

Kouga looks at the tombstone. Souta wonders what he feels seeing the 'burial' site of the girl he had loved for so long. Anger, sadness, pity, or frustration at failing time and time again? But Kouga reacts in no way except to remove the cigarette from his mouth.

"I miss her very much," says Souta to Kouga's silence. He lowers himself to his knees in front of the tombstone. "In the short time she was alive she lived an extraordinary life. Many people loved her, perhaps loved her too much."

"Hmm," says Kouga.

"I've never been out here," Souta continues. "It's funny really when you think about it. I never wanted to talk about her or acknowledge her at all except for one day out of the year and in doing so I was never able to get over losing her. I couldn't move forward." He glances around the area. "It's pretty. I think it suits her to be away from everyone else. She always did stand out. She always was special."

Next to him, Kouga is grinding out his cigarette. "Do you know how she died?" he asks him.

"Vaguely."

"She made a wish."

"A wish?"

"On the Shikon."

"What'd she wish?"

"She wished to be with Inuyasha," Kouga smiles at him, an unfriendly, ironic, rueful smile. "But because they were from two different times the only way they could be together was in death. She died for love."

"Inuyasha," Souta breathes the name. He hadn't thought of him singularly in years. It had always been Inuyasha _and _Kagome, not just Inuyasha. It had been so long since Souta had thought of him as a different entity that was independent of Kagome.

"You knew him?"

"I did," says Souta. "He was my hero when I was a boy."

"Was?"

"Was," Souta confirms. "Did you know him?"

"I knew him very well. He was my competition." Against his thigh, Kouga's hands ball themselves into fists. "He was my friend too. I hated him for having Kagome's love and I hated him even more when Kagome died. But he was my friend in some weird crazy way. Maybe more like a comrade in arms. Gods I hated him." He is silent for a long moment. "I hated myself too," he continues quietly. "For loving her so much and letting her die. That's partly why I wanted so badly to save her, to go back in time and stop it from happening. I hated myself for so long. I was so angry at myself."

"Did your therapist tell you that?"

Kouga snorts. "I don't need a therapist to tell me that."

"How do you feel now then?"

Kouga shrugs. "I don't know. I haven't thought about it. What's the point?" He relaxes at last, scratches the side of his face. "But I suppose if I do think about it," he says, and in his tone Souta detects a peace that has been lacking since Souta met him out front, "I'm okay with saying good-bye now."

Souta smiles at him. He reaches out a hand and Kouga pulls him up. Souta presses the flowers against his chest.

"Let's say good-bye together then."

* * *

On their way out of the graveyard, Souta asks, "Do you ever wonder why the shard didn't work?"

"I told you my theory." Kouga kicks at the rocks on the ground. "Other than that all I can say is perhaps time is like a river. No matter what you change, it will only flow around it and correct itself later on."

"That's an interesting theory. Poetic too."

Kouga grunts in an amused way. "I've had a long time to think about it. What about you? Why do you think it didn't work?"

"We were playing a game with gods," says Souta simply. "We were destined to lose."

Kouga laughs. "Nice theory."

The familiar sound relaxes Souta. He smiles secretly.

"You can't change the world, right?" says Kouga out of nowhere, bringing up the same question he had asked Souta at the bar and the same question Souta had been asking himself for years.

After all this time, Souta has finally realized the answer.

"You're right," says Souta. "We can't change the world but I do think we can change ourselves. And that's a game we can win."

* * *

When they leave, Kouga doesn't tell Souta to give him a ring-ring. He tells him he'll call him later tonight.

"You'd better pick up," Kouga warns him.

"I will," says Souta.

Kouga makes him promise and Souta almost has to physically force Kouga away just to get into his car.

* * *

It is late at night by the time Kouga arrives. Souta has been cooking. He is customarily a good cook but he is nervous and burns several things. It has taken him nearly hours to get everything right.

"My, my," says Kouga when he enters the front door, "are you expecting someone special?"

"Yes," says Souta and blushes. Quickly he thinks up something sarcastic to say. "He should be arriving any moment now."

Kouga scoffs. "Give me a break." He looks around the house. He wipes the dust off the counter.

"Sorry," says Souta. "I kind of let the place go. I haven't been home much."

"Actually it's a relief. You were so fixated on cleaning I was afraid you might have OCD." He pulls out his cigarettes. "Can I smoke in here?"

Souta blinks at him. "You never asked before."

"Good point." Kouga lights one. He takes his glasses off. "Is this why you didn't want to go to the bar?"

Souta turns hurriedly away. "I hope you like chicken," he says instead of answering. "I figured you would want meat and not vegetables."

"Good call."

Kouga sits down across from Souta. He has taken his jacket off and his white button up shirt is not completely buttoned. Souta becomes very interested in the bread.

"So," Kouga breaks the silence. He has never been made easily uncomfortable. Souta is the one with that problem. "How's work?"

"It's alright," says Souta. "Fun. I get to play games whenever we don't have customers. All the guys that work there are pretty cool." He stops and looks at the wine in his glass. "I enrolled in school too. At the university."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've been out of school for so long they aren't going to help me with money at all which sucks. I'll figure something out though."

"I'll give you some money."

"Oh no don't do that." Souta glances sharply at him. "I don't want to take away money you need."

"I don't need it," repudiates Kouga. "I have more money than you think. Besides, when you live as long as I do you learn that money is a very insignificant thing."

"Oh," says Souta, overwhelmed by the offer. "Thank you. I really don't know what else to say."

"Don't say anything else then."

Souta smiles. He is glad for Kouga's roughness. It takes away the seriousness of the situation somehow.

"I spoke to my mother today," Souta says.

"Oh yeah? How's she doing?"

"Good. Happy. I told her about what happened. I mean going to the graves, not about the well. I told her about my job and hiring somebody here. Shippo couldn't stop laughing when I told him Hachi's name. He's weird."

A mischievous grin curls the corner of Kouga's mouth. "He is indeed."

"I told her about going back to school too. She was so happy for me. She cried. She told me she was sorry for everything that had happened, for not being here for me."

"Your mother," says Kouga slowly, "she refused to try and bring Kagome back."

"Did she tell you why?"

Kouga takes a long drag on his cigarette. "She thought Kagome was happiest in the past. She said she would have preferred Kagome have at least a few months of happiness rather than a lifetime of unhappiness."

"So that's why she felt so guilty after Kagome's death," says Souta mostly to himself, "because she refused your offer. She probably regretted it later."

"Maybe."

"I'm going to go visit her soon. I haven't decided when but soon."

"That sounds like a good idea."

They chat avidly about different things - meaningless things like movies, tv programs, the beer they like to drink.

Souta finds it funny that he is sitting around and talking about these things. They all seem so miniscule in comparison to what he had been doing before but yet so much more important than everything he had dwelled upon before falling down that well.

Perhaps, Souta thinks, it is all the miniscule things in life that make it worthwhile, and together they make up a whole. Maybe that was the lesson Kagome had tried to teach him when she said the whole world rested in the palm of his hands and how easily one could change it.

* * *

It is nearing the AM when they finally finish their meal. They leave the dirty dishes on the table and take a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and stand in the door way to let the cool air filter through the house.

"Why'd you do all this tonight?" Kouga breaks the question without any forewarning. A normal person would have asked that hours ago but Kouga is like a predator. He waits until the most vulnerable moment when the prey is unaware to spring. It made so much sense that he was a wolf youkai.

Souta blows smoke into the night air and watches it float along in a small cloud. "A celebration I suppose."

"A celebration of what?"

"Life."

"Life?"

Souta nods. He turns to look Kouga in the eyes. "It's true what I said before about when someone dies we get the sharp end of the stick because we're the ones left missing them. But there's different ways to miss somebody. I think my mother got it right when she refused to try and bring Kagome back. She honored Kagome's death by doing that rather than making it cheap by trying to undo it. I feel like I need to honor Kagome too and everything she stood for."

"Does that mean you don't miss her anymore?"

"Of course I miss her," Souta almost scoffs. "But just because you miss somebody doesn't mean they have to be the center of your universe."

Kouga is strangely quiet. He stands there and the smoke from his cigarette curls across his face. His gaze is on the ground. "You're probably right," he says. "No, you are right."

He throws his cigarette almost violently on the ground and goes inside. Souta watches him carefully. Kouga's behavior seems almost angry.

Souta goes after him. "Is something wrong?"

Kouga's back is to him. He straightens rigidly at the words. "Yes," he says. "There is."

"What?" asks Souta, bewildered.

Kouga turns to him. Souta is surprised to see no anger on his face. Just an almost frightening calm.

"You're right." There is a primal edge to Kouga's words. "I can't live for Kagome anymore."

Souta stares at him.

"You're totally right," Kouga continues. "I have to move forward. And that's exactly what I plan to do."

He takes several steps towards him. Souta doesn't move at the intrusion of personal space.

Kouga kisses him.

This was what Souta had been waiting for all night, why he had set everything up and done what he did. He had promised to set them both free and the fall down that old, dirty well had freed him from his own internal prison. Souta thanks Kouga for that, for Kouga had provided the means for Souta to release himself. It only makes sense that Souta fulfill his own self-made promise and return the favor.

To Souta's unsurprise, he kisses back.

When they break the kiss, Kouga says, "I'm not going to say I'm sorry for that."

It's such a Kouga thing to do. "I didn't think you would," says Souta.

"I'm not gay."

"I know," says Souta. He reaches for him. "Neither am I."

He kisses him again. And again and again and again.

* * *

This morning is not as awkward as the other morning Souta woke up with Kouga in his bed. For one, he remembers everything. And second, he's okay with it.

Souta rubs his eyes. He sits up. At the movement, Kouga slits open an eye and looks at him.

"Good morning," says Souta. The words seem inept and lame after what they had shared. Souta doesn't know what to do.

Kouga closes his eyes. He grunts in a non-committal way. "You must not have done this before."

Souta feels the blush on his face. "No," he admits. "I haven't." He pauses. "Have you?"

"Many times."

"Really? How many people have you been with?"

"A lot."

"As in so many you don't remember the number?"

Kouga opens his eyes. The blue of his eye matches the sky burning brightly outside. "I'm over 500 years old, Souta," he remarks. "Of course I don't remember."

"Ah," says Souta. Surprisingly he is not bothered by this. Somehow all the other people in Kouga's past don't matter whatsoever. Not even Kagome, but that is partly because Souta had loved her too. Not in the same way but was love really so different that it had to be categorized?

"I've only been with one other person," he states matter-of-factly.

"I know." Kouga is quiet for a long moment. "You are the only man I have been with," he confesses softly to the ceiling.

Souta thinks in that one sentence alone something new has started. Something different than normal but not bad. Something neither of them expected. Somehow that works for him.

"Oh," gasps Souta. "I almost forgot."

He climbs out of bed and promptly stumbles on the covers wrapped around his legs. Behind him, he can feel Kouga's eyes following him. It makes his hair stand on end. Not from fear but from something exciting.

He picks his pants off the floor where they had been thrown. From inside the pocket, he pulls out the Shikon shard.

"Here." He holds it out towards Kouga. "Sorry I forgot to return it."

Kouga doesn't reach for it. "Keep it," he says with a yawn. "I don't need it anymore."

"Oh..." Souta's stares at him. Slowly his hand curls around the tiny jewel. "Alright then." He puts it back in his pocket and imagines putting it away in a glass jar somewhere as a memento. A way to remember Kagome but with fondness rather than guilt. Souta thinks he can live with that

He climbs back into bed. Kouga makes no indication of getting up. Neither does Souta.

"So," says Souta. "What do we do now?"

Kouga shrugs. "I have to work tomorrow."

"And then what?"

Kouga shrugs again. "I don't know."

"Are you going to leave?"

"I think I might stay around here, actually," says Kouga. "If that's okay with you, I mean."

Souta looks at him and he thinks about going to the bar with him every night, of going to the doughnut shop and smoking cigarettes, and waking up next to him every morning. He thinks he would like to get used to that.

"Sounds like a plan," he says.

Kouga's hand is resting on his own. He isn't sure how it got there but Souta doesn't mind it being there.

There is another few minutes of comfortable silence. It is Kouga who breaks it this time.

"What now?" he asks.

Souta smiles. He squeezes Kouga's hand and Kouga squeezes back. "I think," he says, "that life goes on."

_- Fin -_


End file.
